Sex, depending on how sober you are, is usually a memorable act. But when the male involved climaxes shortly after the deed commences, said act can become even more memorable--now, for all the wrong reasons. Here are the best 6 examples of Hollywood's interpretation of this disgracing and unforgettable event.
6- Detroit Rock City
Before they were known as Cougars, MILFs, or ninth-grade teachers, old ladies who liked to sex up minors were known as just that, old ladies who liked to sex up minors. But what hasn't changed through the years, and what one young KISS fan discovered, is that these aged beauties love gettin it on. Unfortunately, young John Connor’s tiny Terminator couldn’t handle the feet of an experienced woman. Luckily, the old-timer understood and still allowed him to recover, and later ride the love-train, and what's more, she paid him to do so. Some guys have all the luck.
5- Curb Your Enthusiasm
When faced with the malady of having to use condoms for the first time in years, Larry David’s character in Curb Your Enthusiasm decides to use a protection that promises "prolonged pleasure." Unfortunately, his lack of prophylactic experience leads to him wearing the jimmy-hat inside out, causing all sorts of problems to his wife’s ladiest of ladyparts. As problems are wont to do in the Curb universe, Larry’s misfortune has a silver lining, as his experience aids him in diagnosing his female office assistant’s quick-draw boyfriend.
4- Californication
It's got to be sexually frustrating watching your best friend and ex-government UFO researcher Fox Mulder park his spacecraft in every blackhole this side of the Rocky Mountains. So what's an unattractive, poorman's Mr. Clean to do when his prisoners keep making unexpected escapes? How about finance a stag film, and then stand in the lead role once the previous male star is unable to "seal the deal?" While his proclivity for quickness was welcome during Vaginatown’s climax, his time with the film’s starlet paid off. After separating from his wife, the adult actress enlightened the agent on how to keep his "clients on hold" for as long as he wanted.
3- Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Apparently, more than just the times are fast at Ridgemont High, as Mike Damone--a self-proclaimed ladies man--demonstrated when it came time to engage in a sexual union with Stacy. After Mikey's "baseball team" cleared the bench early, he could no longer keep up the charade that he was well-versed in the act of coitus. As a result, his life spiraled out of control and he eventually found himself employed at the local 7-11 (there is no bigger disgrace). Let that be a lesson to all men who think they know the ways of fornication: if the game you talk is bigger than the crowbar between your legs, you will forever spend your days making Slurpees for 7-year-olds.
2- 40-Year-Old Virgin
If you tease an entire movie with the premise that a man who has lived for almost a half-decade has done so without visiting In-N-Out Burger, the sexual payoff better be worth it. And The 40-Year-Old Virgin manages to satisfy all viewers. At the end of the movie, Andy Stitzer breaks his 40-year old streak of futility with a minute-long feat of failure. Luckily, he follows that up with an erotic performance so epic, it can only be capped with a rendition of "The Age of Aquarius."
1- American Pie
What's most surprising about Jim Levenstein's early eruption after watching foreign exchange student, Nadia, flick the ol' bean, is that he had all that previous fornicating experience with delicious (and slutty) baked goods. And sure, while most pies can't skank it up on Dancing With the Stars, or get humped to death by an evil snowman, they also are unable to judge and mock you after your little farmer lets the hens fly the coop a little early. So really, Jim's biggest mistake was trying to have a normal relationship with an actual, living human being. Had he just stuck to humping his holiday dessert, he could have continued through life a respected and valued citizen of his community.
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