Our nation is still in mourning over the loss of Paula Abdul from our country's favorite televised program, but with a new season right around the corner a replacement must be found. Posh Spice is apparently filling in, but she simply cannot hope to match what Paula brought to the show. I have no doubt she has issues, but she keeps them bottled up and that is no good. We need someone that is not afraid to spout their insanity at every chance possible. And that is where these possible replacements could definitely deliver.
8- Tyra Banks
Tyra is already busy with her own talk show and hosting America's Next Top Model, but she could probably spare some time to bring her own unique brand of craziness to American Idol. Of course that might mean contestants have to start wearing shirts with their weight printed across the front or talk about their sexual history during the pre-interview. Also, every critique Tyra gives to a singer will inevitably become about Tyra and when she first heard the song and her own inane, grade school level interpretation of the lyrics. Possibly a "sexy" impromptu dance to the song as well. Though the best part will be her constantly telling Simon to kiss her fat ass.
7- Danny Bonaduce
Anyone that has seen Danny's reality show "Breaking Bonaduce," or basically anything he has done for the past 20 years, realizes that he is a man with many problems. And what better place to work those problems out than in front of millions of people on American Idol? He has (fake) musical experience thanks to his childhood on The Partridge Family, so that already qualifies him. And the best part is that no one is going to talk back to the Duce, no matter how harsh his criticisms are. Simon is mean, but Danny is unstable. He could very well climb onto the stage (with the help of a step-ladder of some sort) and beat the crap out of a contestant just because he's bored. And drunk. And on pills. It might also make Ryan Seacrest feel good to have someone shorter than him on the show.
6- Kirk Cameron
This may seem like an odd choice at first, because Kirk has a very different kind of crazy than Paula. But there is no question that he is crazy. They were both washed up 80's stars, but while Paula turned to whatever the hell it is she's on, Kirk turned to Christianity to give his life new meaning. And he hasn't shut the hell up about it since. He has since gone on to host the ministry series "Way of the Master" in which he calls people sinners and tells them why they are going to hell, as well as starred in the "Left Behind" series of movies, which deals with how all of us terrible sinners will be left on earth to rot while all the good people are whisked away to heaven during Armageddon. So perhaps he can critique singers on the purity of their soul and their likeliness of crossing through the pearly gates. He would have had a blast with last season's Adam Lambert. Gay and Jewish! That's a double whammy!
5- Andy Dick
Andy Dick could be an excellent choice, because no matter what project he is involved in, he always manages to take it to a disturbing new level. Cocaine, alcohol and his penis are usually involved. Though to be fair, sometimes it's someone else's penis. But no matter what, he would bring his own special flair to the program. While Paula just slurred behind the table, Andy would be all over the place, humping contestants and audience members alike. He's not content unless he is the center of attention, so we could bank on him turning a few of the musical numbers into duets without telling anyone. American Idol would also see a flood of sexual harassment lawsuits. Even from Randy Jackson.
4- Courtney Love
Love is essentially the female version of Andy Dick, though at least he has some comedic talent. But Courtney is a singer, and based on her behavior/speech patterns might share a pharmacist with Paula, so maybe she would be a good choice. Except instead of just professing her "love" for male contestants like Paula would, Courtney would offer explicit sexual favors and perhaps even throw her own panties on the stage. It might all be worth it to hear Simon make an insensitive comment after a particularly terrible song about wanting to blow his head off with a shotgun. Now THAT would be good TV!
3- Ozzy Osbourne
Sharon Osbourne is already one of the judges on America's Got Talent, which was created by Simon Cowell, so why not bring the half of the couple that actually had talent at one point onto this show? Ozzy mumbles incoherently about god knows what, bouncing from thought to random thought in his drug addled brain, so he would be a perfectly suited replacement for Ms. Abdul in that regard. Simon has made declaring that he has no idea what Paula is talking about into a running joke, and Ozzy may be one of the only people out there who could give feedback even more incomprehensibly than Paula. Plus, if ratings continue to dip, he could bite a small animal's head off on stage. People always love that.
2- Gary Busey
After having his own reality show "I'm With Busey" and appearing on "Celebrity Fit Club," "Celebrity Paranormal Project" and "Celebrity Rehab," it only makes sense that Gary would finally climb the reality ladder all the way up to AI. And the best part about Gary is that, although he is certifiably insane and makes absolutely no sense to anyone other than himself, he thinks he is an expert on all subjects and that people should live by his guidance. So we could look forward to a season full of pseudo-spiritual jibberish bullshit spouted at any opportunity from that frightening face of his. Having him sitting there alone would be a great test for contestants. If they can sing well with that ghoulish creature staring at them then they are true professionals.
1- Sarah Palin
Now that she has resigned as Governor of Alaska and is supposedly considering a career in television, there may be no better candidate for this position than America's favorite gun-toting imbecile, Sarah Palin. She did beauty pageants when she was younger, and American Idol essentially is nothing more than an overblown beauty pageant with some singing. She has shown that she is not afraid to jump into a job that she has absolutely no experience or training for. And, best of all, anyone who saw her farewell speech knows that she can ramble with no point, logic, sense, grammar or thought just as well as Paula! Maybe if we get real lucky she will go on a poorly worded tirade about how the Hollywood liberals on the show aren't giving real American "Joe the Singer" a chance. With some uncomfortable winks sprinkled throughout, of course.
Check out these lists that sever the two heads of the Hollywood demon-- celebs and reality TV!
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Brady Sullivan has contributed to OMGLists.com, Flixster.com, PopRox.us, FunnyOrDie.com and Comedy.com. You can find his tweets at http://twitter.com/TheComedySnob (they are guaranteed to be 140 characters or less or your money back) and his ramblings about comedy at thecomedysnob.com.
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