With Transformers 2 at the top of the box office and G.I. Joe sure to rake in some big bucks as well, Hollywood is turning their collective eye to toys for inspiration. Now that every single comic book character ever created seems to have a movie in pre-production, they need a new industry to mine for ideas since they have clearly run out of their own. So in the next few years we can expect a barrage of toy-based films. Hell, even a Stretch Armstrong movie is rumored. Unfortunately, though, not every toy is going to receive the silver screen treatment. Here are 6 that we just don't see it happening for.
6- Silly Putty
Why it won't work:
Let's face it, if you were going to make a movie based on any malleable child's toy, it would be Play Doh. It really has the upper hand on silly putty. Different colors, holds its shape, fun accessories, doesn't stick in carpet and even tastes better. The biggest advantage that Silly Putty has in comparison is that when a bored 9 year old decides to sculpt a penis to make his friends laugh it is much closer to actual penis color. There's also the fact that if you roll it into a ball it could bounce a little bit, but I'm sure a Super Ball movie is already in development, so there goes that novelty. You could also use it to pick up the ink off newspapers and make backwards copies of things, but we all know that by the time the movie comes out newspapers will have ceased to exist.
How it could work: "Putty Cop."
A buddy cop movie, but take a page out of Flubber and have Silly Putty be a wacky computer animated blob who bounces everywhere. He's part of a new experimental police force and is teamed up with a grizzled police officer (Harrison Ford) to take down the gang that killed his former partner. There is also a comical side plot in which Putty falls in love with a mound of plastic explosives from the weapons locker.
5- Lego
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Why it won't work:
Legos are extremely awesome (Shut up Lego nerds, I know you say the plural of Lego is still Lego. I just don't care.) but unfortunately they aren't too visually interesting. It's a blast to build them, but watching someone else build a Lego set is not exactly captivating. Plus painting a bunch of actors yellow and putting those little nubs on the top of their head would just be creepy.
How it could work: M. Night Shyamalan's "Brick Town."
A town of people who spend their days building structures to please the god who peers down at them from the sky and occasionally pulls their arms or heads off if he is displeased. But here's the twist...it turns out they are just Lego toys that a child is playing with! And also he can see ghosts.
4- Lite Brite
Why it won't work:
Lite Brite was like the really old school version of pixel art. Just a bunch of holes in a board with a light behind it and some different colored plastic pegs. Playing with it was like being a telephone switchboard operator from the 20's, but with more vibrant color. The worst part is that the box always wanted you to make a clown. Because looking at a glowing clowns face in a darkened room is exactly what's good for a child's fragile mind.
How it would work: "Lite Brite: The IMAX Experience."
Create an IMAX film entirely using Lite Brite as the frames for animation. Watch the stoners line up around the block to have their minds blown.
3- Wooly Willy
Why it won't work:
This was an exciting toy back in the day because, aside from shaving your grandpa when he was passed out from too much cheap whiskey, kids didn't get the chance to change hair/facial hair around. Nowadays there's The Sims and every other computer game around that allow you to change a character complete look. Suddenly dragging little pieces of metal around on a drawing of a bald dude isn't as exciting.
How it could work: "Wooly Willy: P.I."
Taking inspiration from Fletch, Wooly Willy is a private investigator who uses his dozens of different hair styles and facial hair patterns to disguise himself as he cracks his cases. Unfortunately all his hair is still made out of tiny pieces of magnetic material, so his disguises rarely hold up. The tagline will be, "He's got a magnetic personality...and face!"
2- Easy Bake Oven
Why it won't work:
The Easy Bake Oven was really not much of an oven. It should have been called the "trapped in a bomb shelter with no oven, oven." It was essentially a plastic box with a light bulb in it. Talk about a cheap toy. And you would use it to cook little horribly tasting baked goods made with just powder and water. Isn't one of the perks of childhood that other people are forced to cook for you?
How it could work: "Easy Bake Me."
Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock is at it again, this time seeing what living off only baked goods made with Easy Bake Oven for 30 days will do to his body! Can one live off of powdered mix and water alone? Probably not! Will it do irreversible damage? Here's a hint: find out in Morgan's upcoming documentary based on the hit board game "Operation"!
1. Slinky
Why it won't work:
The Slinky seems almost like a trick when it comes to toys. A fraud. As though poor people that couldn't afford a real toy for their kid just took some coiled up wire from the sadness factory they worked in (someone had to manufacture all that depression during the Depression) and gave it to their kid for christmas. And we all bought into it. The slinky could supposedly walk down stairs, but it usually made it down one and that was it. And after about 15 minutes would get horribly tangled, never to be usable again.
How it could work: "Man on Slinky."
Sure, Man on Wire, about a french daredevil who walked a tight rope between the two World Trade Center towers, won the Oscar this year for best documentary, but was it really that hard? Wouldn't it be much more difficult to walk on along a slinky? And across the Grand Canyon? And while you're high on cocaine? Steve-O finds out in this thrilling documentary.
Lonely? Want some more lists to play with?
The 9 Most Misleading Toy Commercials of the 80s
The 8 Most Awesome Comic Book Vehicles
9 Comic Series Almost as Awesome as Watchmen
Brady Sullivan has contributed to OMGLists.com, Flixster.com, PopRox.us, FunnyOrDie.com and Comedy.com. You can find his tweets at http://twitter.com/TheComedySnob (they are guaranteed to be 140 characters or less or your money back) and his ramblings about comedy at thecomedysnob.com.
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