OMG Lists

Midgets haven’t always been relegated to small roles (pun not intended), no, sometimes little people can have big impacts on the cast of a film (pun totally intended).  In these next 7 examples we’ll detail instances where dwarfs were not only included in the movie, but in numbers so large you’ll question whether size actually matters.

7-The Terror of Tiny Town

Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought that the biggest drawback of Western movies was the enormous height of the actors involved.  Actually, don’t waste all that energy raising your hand, because if there is one thing the entire world can agree on, it’s that we’re sick of seeing cowboys who look and sound like cowboys actually, and historically, looked and sounded.  Hollywood, grab a pad and pencil and take a couple of notes, because this info I’m about to drop (and by drop I mean the useless crap I’m about to shit out of my brain) is priceless.  You want to create a western that makes ten gagabillionzez of dollars, then use the genius Western, The Terror of Tiny Town as a palette, and start producing films with actors who, for safety reasons, can only ride Shetland ponies.  Then cut me a check for half of the gagabillionzez of dollars you stand to make.

6-The Brood

Due to their reduced physical stature, there are two film parts that dwarfs excel at playing:  costumed creatures, and a smaller, separate human subspecies--often found in Fantasy movies (an honorable mention also goes to fetish porn stars).  In The Brood, we kind of see both (with the exception being the fetish porno).  I don’t want to ruin the ending of this insane movie, but I'm totally about to. When that mom--who has been spawning all of those blonde, midget creatures who are responsible for the murders--starts licking that midget-creature-fetus-thing, I pretty much spewed.  If you ever needed a reason to hate blonde children with messed up grills who have a real affinity for murdering people with hammers, then watch The Brood.

5-Willow

If there’s one thing we know about George Lucas, it’s that he’s about as good at directing movies as Iran is at holding fair elections.  Thankfully, when it came time to make this caper about Pecks (that’s what you call a midget in Willowland), he turned the directing duties over to that redhead from Happy Days (also known as Ron Howard to all you film professors).  In this movie, one Peck goes on some sort of dangerous quest to save a baby from evil, and along the way he befriends a hippie named Val Kilmer (later, said hippie got very fat).  Ultimately, I guess the film had a message about not judging books by their covers, or that it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, or [insert some other generic adage here], but what you’ll likely remember after watching it, is that in Willowland, midgets are known as Pecks.

4-Time Bandits

Take it from me, traveling through time can be tough, so if you’re gonna take on this labor-intensive endeavor you need to assemble a crack team.  That’s where midgets come into play.  As Terry Gilliam detailed in his film Time Bandits (based on a true story), there isn’t a variety of human more adept at time travel than the dwarf.  However, and I think Mr. Gilliam would agree, when you compile a squad of midgets to do your dirty time-traveling work, you better be prepared for hilarious hi-jinks and sophomoric humor that exploits the diminutive size of these smaller persons.  Because no matter how politically correct one is, he or she is still gonna laugh when watching a frightened group of little people run in circles while attempting to avoid ensnarement in a tiny, adorable cage.

3-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

If there happen to be any midgets reading this list, heed my advice and stay away from that insane candy producer known as Willy Wonka.  Because not only will he enslave you to forever toil in his sugary-treat factory, but he’ll also paint your skin orange, dye your hair green, and make you memorize bizarre songs and dances that detail horrifically maiming children.  However, if the unfortunate scenario plays out and you are captured by this mentally ill candy-maker, try and secure a spot on the Fizzy Lifting drink team.  Because it’s common knowledge that nothing better helps a slave forget his troubles than flying and farting (and if you still can’t disregard your problems, there’s always that dangerously fast fan spinning at the top of the ceiling).

2-Wizard of Oz

If you’ve ever been sucked out of your house by a massive tornado and then thrown into a bizarre alternate universe, you know how comforting it is to be welcomed by a massive throng of midgets who dance and sing about lollipops.  And if you haven’t yet experienced the power of 500 dancing dwarves, then I recommend hopping onto your nearest tornado and taking a ride over to that very special land called Oz.  Because not only does that zany place have talented little people, but it also has talking lions, scarecrows, and tin-men, who will stalk/prowl upon lost teenage girls until they get what they “need” from her.  Of course, science may argue that using tornadoes for interdimensional travel is “dangerous” and “not feasible,” but if that’s the same science that claimed climate change was indeed happening (when it still occasionally got fairly cold this winter), I think you’ll be just fine.

1-Star Wars:  Return of the Jedi

Even the most logical person has to admit that 3-foot-tall teddy bears who have weapons and tools from the Stone Age, defeating futuristic super-soldiers in battle, is not at all farfetched.  In fact, if I was a Storm Trooper landing on planet Ewok, and I saw one of those adorable bi-pedal bears approaching me with a stick and a rock, I’d high-tail it back to the nearest Death Star and shoot a friggin’ laser beam at their flammable tree-huts.  Unfortunately, those evil troopers aren’t quite as smart as me (I don’t want to brag, but I did bag a B- in junior high gym class), and so they attempted to fight said teddy bears with the predictable massacre then ensuing.  The few Storm Troopers who were graciously spared by the wrath of the Ewoks still occasionally talk about the horrors they witnessed on that bloody day; however, none of them are able to look at sticks and rocks without breaking down and crying like a baby.