Putting on a few pounds during your life is a normal occurance, as injury, stress and sickness can cause weight gain for even the fittest of the fit. The world doesn't have most of you on speed dial, so your insecurity about your body is minimalized. With celebrities, however, all weight gain is met with morbid curiosity, especially when said celeb is known for being fit. Here's 8 instances of surprising celeb weight gain.
8-Eminem
The world held its collective breath when the Real Slim Shady was asked to please stand up, and then the New Stout Shady struggled to rise, not used to the new girth he'd acquired. Unfortunately, this gave some of society's nastiest miscreants ammunition to coin new monikers for this now rotund rapper, including such tasteless titles as: Almond Joy, 10,000 M&Ms, and Penis Breath. When asked where this new weight had come from, Eminem replied, "I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I Om nom nom nom." He then literally made good on his promise to eat up other rappers and spit them out, with the exception of then spitting them back out.
7-Janet Jackson
Thank you God, for not allowing Ms. Jackson's wardrobe to malfunction after her stomach did its best impression of the universe (that's expand for all you non-geeks out there). I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there aren't too many more halftime extravaganzas in Janet's future, because if there is one thing that America's conservative TV watchers hate seeing (besides titties), it's entertainers who remind them of their own bloated selves. However, Ms. Jackson, you should be eternally thankful that you have a brother who has gone bat-shit crazy, because no matter how corpulent you get, you'll always be overshadowed by that masked freak who really loves children (really), and whose nose occasionally falls off.
6-Russell Crowe
The above picture was rumored to have been taken outside of The Android's Dungeon and Baseball Card Shop just after the subject in question was heard muttering, "Worst all-you-can-eat-buffet ever!" Fortunately for the buffet-owner, this portly gentleman was unable to access a telephone, because based on past behavior, said subject has been known to hurl such communicative devices at people who he feels have wronged him. This means that the writer of this blurb has now made peace with the notion of being struck in the face with a sticky cell-phone covered in chucks of leftover food.
5-Kevin Federline
After driving this nation's favorite pop-star to shave her head and attack automobiles with umbrellas, the very untalented K-Fed went on an insane eating binge, the likes of which have only been witnessed by visitors to Kirstie Alley's dining room. Having now failed at marriage, rapping, acting, modeling, and pro-wrestling, the world eagerly awaits what Mr. Federline's next unsuccessful occupational-endeavor will be. And based on his now swollen build, the author of this article suggests a stint as Times Square's New Year's Eve ball. Because who wouldn't want to smooch their significant other after watching that lard-ass slowly lowered 50 feet?
4-Tyra Banks
"So what if she's pretentious and annoying, she's still hot," argued your logic after watching five minutes of the trite Tyra Banks Show, just prior to you destroying your television. Then on December 10, 2007, pictures broke which seemed to indicate that the one positive attribute that Tyra still possessed--her body--had done the opposite of her acting career, and exploded. Then again, maybe she was just attempting to further mimic her idol Oprah, who can gain and lose weight at the same frequency the Octo-mom can go through publicists. What we do know, is that fat or thin, The Tyra Banks Show will always be a cliche, second-rate program, hosted by a model who tells women to love their bodies the way they are, and then goes and gets plastic surgery.
3- Val Kilmer
Remember when Val filmed your sister's first sex dream, playing shirtless volleyball as Iceman against Tom Cruise in Top Gun? Well, if you don't, do yourself a favor and click on the following link , but don't blame me when you start questioning your sexual preference, straight men. Unfortunately, time hasn't been easy on the ol' Iceman, and where once sat oiled up abs and hairless pecks, now rests large doughy tits and a bulbous gut covered in Pringles shavings. At least he didn't go crazy like Maverick and join an alien-worshipping cult.
2-Mike Tyson
Must...refrain...from making...joke about...getting fat from eating ears....... That humor...is much...too obvious. Stay cool, Aaron. Talk about Tyson getting fat from eating his opponents' children, or mention how Tyson probably packed on the pounds due to his refusal to use George Foreman's lean, mean, fat-grilling machine. But just don't crack a lame ear-eating gag. Maybe the weight gain is due to the excessive diets American athletes have to endure in order to maintain the high-energy lifestyles that their very physical vocation requires. Ah, screw it. Did you hear what Mike Tyson said to Van Gogh? "You gonna eat that?"
1-Jessica Simpson
If only we could attribute Jessica's weight gain to the consumption of her father, I don't think anyone would speak poorly of that hefty half-wit's spare tire. In fact, such an incredible act of cannibalism would surely be deserving of national holiday or a Nobel Peace Prize or something. However, if I know Jessica as well as I think I do (I did watch almost half an episode of her reality show), then I'd guess she probably gained the weight the boring old-fashioned way: sitting on her ass while consuming copious amounts of pizza. In actuality, I really only want what's best for Jessica, and hopefully she's able to shed the weight as easily as she shed that dead weight known as her first husband. Followed shortly by a new career as a nude model who never ever makes another album again, ever!
Want to see us make fun of more celebrities? Sure you do...
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Aaron Koehn has contributed to GamePro Magazine, Gamepro.com, Electronic Gaming Monthly, OMGlists.com, Slobsofgaming.com, Games.net, and Gamerhelp.com. You can find his Tweets at: http://twitter.com/Aaron_Koehn, and you can find his dignity back in 1988 right next to his staunch ambition.
