Unlike Britain’s frumpy, singing-sensation, Susan Boyle, the majority of us have had significant others at one point or another. And yet there are many of us that are still single (by no fault of our own, of course). If only we could find a girlfriend who’s up to the high standards that film and TV have established, we could kiss loneliness goodbye forever. With that in mind, here are the 12 girlfriend archetypes that keep us searching for Ms. Right.
12-Clementine Kruczynski from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
It seems like only yesterday when we watched Leonardo DiCaprio paint a nude Clementine Kruczynski just before their boat hit an iceberg and sunk. And in the 200 years that have past since the sinking of the Titanic (I didn’t major in history), Clementine got all crazy. We can tell this by looking at her wacky clothes and her brightly colored hair, which indicate that this babe is most likely a freak in the sheets (I apologize for using that banal colloquialism).
11-Lafawnduh from Napoleon Dynamite
There are many things that dorks do not possess (confidence, social skills, self-grooming abilities, non-expired condoms), but paramount to them all is street-cred. So when a strong, sexy African American woman comes along and promises to turn you into a real man, you take notice. Unfortunately, it’ll take more than a do-rag to drop the balls of most dweebs.
10-Cassandra from Wayne’s World
Many of us concluded that if a mullet-adorned, public-access TV host who lived in his parents’ basement could obtain an exotic rock ‘n’ roll babe, we all had a shot at bagging that nonexistent lady. And thus came the million slaps heard ‘round the world, when thousands of geeks were bombarded with women’s physical blows, after they assumed they had a shot at dating outside of their league.
9-Sam from Garden State
Sam is a liar, a cheat, and a con, but while those three strikes might scare some men off, in fairness to Sam, it should be noted that she is also a total babe. And if there is one thing that allows guys to overlook problems, it’s when a woman reaches absolute babedom (actual word, look it up). Unfortunately, once a woman obtains babedom level, the majority of us guys who are stuck at level repugnantdom are out of luck.
8-Dr. Claire Lewicki from Days of Thunder
Paging Dr. Lewicki, paging Dr. Lewicki. There’s some racecar driver at the nurses’ station claiming to be your boyfriend, and muttering something about religion and aliens. Would you like to come down and speak to him or should we just have him admitted to the psyche ward?
7-Rosemary Cross from Rushmore
Who could blame Max Fischer for attempting to fornicate with his teacher when so many other students these days are getting a piece of their educator’s ass? And when your instructor originates from Limeyland (a.k.a. Great Britain), it’s gonna be even tougher to keep your thoughts on your studies and not on her dodgy derriere.
6-Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell
There once was a time when every prepubescent male in the industrialized world dreamt of hearing a live studio audience go “awwwwwwww,” as he laid a wet one on Kelly Kapowski’s cheek at the prom. The dream then usually entailed Ms. Kapowski taking classmate Jesse Spano’s post-Saved By the Bell career advice, by starring in Showgirls 2: Belding’s Revenge.
5-Kim Boggs from Edward Scissorhands
We’ve all got flaws, but none quite as glaring as the man whose last name describes his physical deformity. Still, Kim Boggs was able to see past Mr. Scissorhands’ lethal blade fingers (which are deadly during those heavy petting sessions), and appreciate what was beneath that strange, black-leather, belt-suit: a heart of gold. God bless you, Kim Boggs.
4-Mary from There’s something about Mary
Don’t ask Lance Armstrong, but I’m sure that there are few things more painful than getting your testicle caught in your zipper. However, if getting the ol’ velvet orb stuck in your fly means that you’ll be able to date a young Cameron Diaz, I’m sure that the pink marshmallow will be willing to take one for the team.
3-Sloane Peterson from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Is anything sexier than a girl who knowingly breaks the rules? A girl who can only be described by the terse adjective “bad”? A fallen angel who employs deceit and cunning to be with her boyfriend for the course of a day? Only one thing comes to mind when attempting to imagine something steamier than the aforementioned rogue, and that’s said rogue in the buff with Matthew Broderick completely out of frame.
2-Ali from The Karate Kid
I’ve often claimed that inside myself and all the other skinny nerds rests deadly kung-fu abilities just waiting to be coaxed out. This theory is based on what the young Daniel-san was able to accomplish once the beautiful Ali enticed his karate machismo. Ali, I’d crane-kick a thousand Cobra Kai dojo students if you promised to wax me on and off.
1-Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years
There aren’t too many neighborhoods where the girl next door looks like Winnie Cooper ,and in reality, most of us were probably more used to seeing less attractive neighbors. Yet, if you’re feeling disheartened about your childhood love interests, you can take solace in knowing that even babes like Winnie Cooper had to date duds.
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Aaron Koehn has contributed to GamePro Magazine, Gamepro.com, Electronic Gaming Monthly, OMGlists.com, Slobsofgaming.com, Games.net, and Gamerhelp.com. You can find his Tweets at: http://twitter.com/Aaron_Koehn, and you can find his dignity back in 1988 right next to his staunch ambition.
