In Hollywood, limbs can be about as permanent as celebrity marriages. And like those brief nuptuals, sometimes the replacement is better than the original. Here are seven famous examples of movie prosthesis where the loss of a limb turned out just fine, if not better.
7-Frankenstein’s hand grenade from Death Race 2000
Our current president (a.k.a. the most evil, socialist monster ever) better think twice before he enacts his schemes to recreate the deadly road race found in the cult movie Death Race 2000. If he does, he can expect one driver named Frankenstein to have a handshake that some might describe as dynamite (pun intended). That’s because this enigmatic racer has a prosthetic hand that comes equipped with a deadly built-in grenade. And if you enjoyed reading that first pun as much as I enjoyed writing it, you should know that this grenade, located on the hand, is cleverly called the hand grenade. Unfortunately, when it comes time for the President to congratulate Frankenstein on his fine racing with the symbolic gesture of a handshake, he will receive a shake that was designed to make people explode like the Death Star after it met Luke Skywalker. And yes, the grenade hand does make it a bitch to play softball with Frankenstein.
6- Captain Hook’s hook from Hook
Pirates haven’t always terrorized Carnival Cruise lines with automatic guns and rocket launchers. No, once there was a simpler time, when pirates focused their bothersome attacks on bands of children. And while most would assume that fearsome pirates would have a pretty easy time defeating children, take it from me, some kids are really strong and they aren’t afraid to go for the face. The pirate captain called Hook will back me up on this, due to a lengthy battle with a gang of boys who are known on the streets as The Lost. During one particular fight, The Lost Boys’ leader--who is constantly clad in his gang’s green color--managed to utilize a trained alligator, which bit off the hand of the pirate captain. It was on that day that the pirate could no longer go by his preferred name of Captain Steve. Instead, from there on out he would be known by his new physical deformity: Hook.
5- Cherry Darling’s machine gun leg from Grindhouse
Listen, no one’s saying that it would be awesome to have your leg chewed off by a hostile group of zombies, but if you do happen to get you leg chewed off by a hostile group of zombies, getting a machine gun as your prosthetic seems like a pretty sweet deal. That’s why when one loses an appendage to zombies or tornadoes or whatever, you have to see the bright side, and understand that a deadly killing machine can be affixed to that stump. If one can provide me with a better example of where someone turned lemons (zombie leg-meal) into lemonade (amazing firearm limb) than the Cherry Darling story, you’ll get a free copy of Grindhouse courtesy of OMGLists (note: prize will not be honored).
4- Lieutenant Dan’s legs from Forest Gump
Fortunately for Lieutenant Dan and his troops, the world’s most fortunate and providential human being ever created (next to backwards-aging Brad Pitt) was deployed to their unit, meaning that the casualties in Dan’s company would be kept to a minimum. Unfortunately, even the superhuman speed of the feeble-minded hero would not be enough to save Daniel’s legs, and tragically, like America’s innocence, said limbs were lost during the war. And while Dan now had some physical limitations, he proved his mental worth by keeping in touch with the half-wit who has seen more amazing events and miracles than Jesus’ mustache. Eventually this friendship led to a lucrative shrimping company, a maritime hurricane survival, an across the ocean, legless swim, and a highly profitable investment in Apple Computers resulting in untold millions and new titanium legs. God, do I ever wish I could run into this mentally “touched” individual and make him my BFF.
3- Robocop’s robo-body from Robocop
In Robocop’s world, Detroit is a dirty, immoral cesspool, where crime cannot be controlled and law enforcement is forced to become privatized. In the real world, Detroit is a dirty, immoral cesspool, where crime cannot be controlled and law enforcement is forced to find work elsewhere due to a lack of funding. However, the biggest difference between these two horrible places has to be that one Detroit has the ability to create gnarly half-men, half-robot police officers who say awesome things like, “Excuse me, I have to go, somewhere there is a crime happening.” So President Obama, if you are truly serious about saving the auto industry and Detroit, you have to look into getting real Detroit the prosthetic robo-power that its fictional brother has. Otherwise you can kiss the Motor City goodbye as it’s pillaged by the dad from that 70’s Show and his gang.
2- Ash’s chainsaw hand from The Evil Dead
It’s a scientific fact that 74% of all prosthetics are a result of either zombie attacks or tornadoes, and if you find that fact puzzling/untrue, you need to watch the documentary, The Evil Dead, where one Ash Williams loses his mitt to the forces of evil. But when evil claims an appendage it needs to be aware that resourceful humans will often replace detached limbs with weapons. Otherwise evil will frequently find itself on the wrong end of chainsaw hands, machine gun legs, or worse yet, crossbow assholes. In reality, evil is lucky it only screwed with Ash Williams and his chainsaw hand, because if someone else had been staying at that haunted cabin--oh, say someone like MacGyver--then evil would have had a tough time figuring out how to dismantle MacGyver’s nuclear bomb-toe. Still, due largely to MacGyver’s mullet, Ash made the much more entertaining film.
1- Luke Skywalker’s mechanical hand from The Empire Strikes Back
It’s a common occurrence--especially in trailer parks--for the coming-of-age, male youth to challenge his father’s supremacy by engaging him in physical conflict. This scenario is so common that it is even seen in galaxies far, far away, where the youth prefer to engage their patriarchs with laser swords and strange magical “force” powers. As is often the case, the son frequently challenges his father at too early an age, and as a result, the father gently reminds the adolescent of his position within the familial hierarchy by chopping off his hand, and then revealing some devastating ancestral secret. Oftentimes, this then causes the son to fall backwards down some sort of giant air duct where, at the last second, he grabs a hold of a wire-apparatus, where he remains, waiting for his peers to pick him up in a flying, space-faring machine. Opportunely, these galaxies which are far, far away, have an amazing health care system, where even if a person claims government rebel as his occupation, he can still receive state-of-the-art prosthetics at a minimal cost to the patient.
