The delicious foods you consume on a daily basis didn't just come from the ground, unless you're one of those "organic" folk. No, the best-tasting stuff is the result of trial and error, as well as plenty of research and marketing. But sometimes, the most well-intentioned food ideas turn out tasting like crap, and are thankfully removed from store shelves. The question for the following products is not why they were discontinued, but why they were even made in the first place? These are the 8 Worst Discontinued Foods Ever Produced.
9-Doritos 3D
It's a sad occasion when a Doritos consumer comes across one of those morose chips that has had an air bubble trapped inside itself during production. In fact, such a chip has been known to cause many Doritos connoisseurs to throw their bags of highly flavored corn chips against the wall screaming, "How do you expect me to take my snacking to a higher level with this garbage!" Unless said connoisseur is stoned--in that case he just goes on pleasantly eating, while the Duck Tales rerun continues to blow his mind. So imagine the surprise when Doritos announced an entire product line of chips with air bubbles intentionally pumped in. And then imagine a 300-lb man attempting to punch the Frito-Lay executive who green-lit such a worthless chip (if your imagined scenario doesn't end with the 300-lb man dying of a heart attack, you're doing it wrong). Doritos 3D, how many obese people's deaths are on your conscious, you miserable chip?
8-Pop Quiz (popcorn)
At one point or another, we've all sat in front of the microwave watching popcorn pop, wishing that once the food was cooked we could take part in some sort of meaningful interaction with said bag of moisture-sealed kernel hulls. Sadly, until 1991 man had no means to engage with this very special variety of corn. That was until Pop Secret released a product that would keep its patrons enthralled over its food's potential possibilities. Enter Pop Quiz, the quizzically colorful popcorn that popped in a different color every time you ate it. This meant that every time you prepared this fluorescent food, you didn't know what bright color was going to end up smeared all over your clothing and furniture. Was your new Hypercolor shirt going to end up covered in a disgusting blue butter, or would it be red or purple? The unbelievable fun was trying to guess, but the subsequent beating you received from your parents over the now stained and ruined ottoman was the cherry on top.
7-Keebler Tato Skins
"If only I could make a potato chip that tasted more like a potato, and was just as unhealthy as a regular, good-tasting potato chip," said a soon-to-be-unemployed product developer, just before creating the world's most unappetizing junk food. He would accomplish this genius task by realizing that the most delicious part of a potato is the outlining skin. And so the Tato Skin was spawned, born through the marriage of bad taste, unhealthy ingredients, and uninformed consumer spending. Shortly after its conception, a band of enslaved elves who had been imprisoned in several oak trees began production on the Tatoes, and it was said that thousands of these meager creatures perished when the difficult-to-control potatoes rolled over their small bodies. The elves called these dark days, "The Great Tater Assault," while the Keebler company simply termed it, "The last time we let Steve pitch one of his vegetable skin ideas."
6-Arch Deluxe (McDonalds)
In 1996 it appeared that Ronald McDonald's balls finally dropped when McDonalds decided to make an earnest attempt to fatten up adults instead of just focusing all of their obesity-inducing magic on children. However, in order to court this new and mysterious demographic some market research first needed to be done. They found that apparently, due to the influx of Applebee's restaurants, adults had developed a more sophisticated palette than children, meaning they'd need to use "mature" ingredients that included various vegetables and sauces that were deemed "secret." This genus of adult also enjoyed voicing their opinions, even when they knew very little about the subject, were terrified by the term "socialism," and they saw Larry the Cable Guy as God. Additionally, they hated the idea of spending $5.00 on a sandwich, and so died the Arch Deluxe.
5-Pizzarias chips
Leave it to man to develop a variety of chip which doesn't normally exist in nature, but is a product created solely through the miracle of human ingenuity. In a science experiment attempting to better the world, a snack company wondered how it could get man's favorite food (i.e. pizza) into as many hands and mouths as possible. They would accomplish this extraordinary task by shrinking down this timeless classic into bite-sized morsels, literally allowing consumers the ability to shove handfuls of pizzas into their maws at once. Unfortunately, something went wrong during the shrinking process, and the product that resulted didn't taste exactly like people recalled pizza tasting. Still, mankind's love for this species of food allowed the wrong-tasting snack to remain on store shelves for years, even though individuals only admitted to enjoying it after smoking illegal psychoactive drugs.
4-Orbitz (drink)
Clearly genius was afoot when the makers of Orbitz found a way to reduce the amount of time people wasted when they consumed food and drink during meals. As humans, if we could both eat and drink at the same instant, that would free up all sorts of time for us to accomplish mankind's most profound feats, such as: repeatedly googling the Octo-mom in the hopes that The Insider has more information about her new doghouse; bitching about things we don't understand like the stimulus package; or blogging on message boards about how bad (insert random recently-released film here) was. Well, some brilliant company heard our cries and invented Orbitz, a variety of soda that was just gooey enough to suspend edible balls, allowing the consumer to eat and drink in one fell motion. Unfortunately, and as usual, mankind blew it by not buying this food-drink, forcing the product to disappear forever. Oh, and the stuff tasted like stool.
3-Zima
When Zima slowly expired on its death bed, the cries of all the young teenage drunks and sorority pledges who were rebelling against pops could be heard for meters (metric system used due to Zima's popularity in Canada). And a triumphant cheer rang out from all the males who had mistakenly carried the beverage into a party, only to be so mercilessly laughed at that they had to leave the party in tears (I was carrying it for a girlfriend, you assholes). Without Zima will our younger brothers still be able to get drunk enough to attempt their first boob-grab? Will capitalism be able to withstand the recession we are in, clearly a result of our now Zima-less society? And will Aaron Koehn ever find the courage to once again enter a party without breaking down, crawling into a corner, and sobbing like a little girl? The answer to all these questions is NO! God help us all.
2-Lifesaver holes
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How many times have you eaten a Lifesaver and said, "Whoa, that was way too much. I'm stuffed." Well, if you're like me and every other person on this planet, the answer is never. But maybe you don't have enough room in your pocket to go lugging around a humongous package of regularly-sized Lifesavers, or maybe you don't want to hear those "Or are you just happy to see me" jokes that the tube shape inspires. If only the candy was made a bit smaller, you could easily manage to pack it into your overflowing pockets. Unfortunately, the tiny candy came packaged in a plastic container that was the same size as a regular tube of Lifesavers, so it did nothing to assuage the pocket-room constraints or the clich‚ erection jokes. And so this candy slowly disappeared, and the world is a better place for it.
1-Crystal Clear Pepsi
For years people claimed that they would love to consume more Pepsi, if only it didn't solely come in the off-putting color brown. Well, Pepsi heard those cries and they decided to produce a new brand of Pepsi, one that resembled something that homo-sapiens must drink to survive. The new color of Pepsi would be clear, and the new name of Pepsi would cleverly be Crystal Clear. Would this novel liquid replace nature's tired old beverage standard as the new chemical substance required to sustain life? In a word: no. Thankfully, as scholars later revealed, if humans had attempted to substitute new Crystal Clear Pepsi for water, much, if not all, of the human population would have died. Apparently what makes water so essential isn't its color, or lack thereof, but its unique chemical make-up. For years after this embarrassment, many Pepsi executives could be seen standing next to bodies of water and shaking their fists in the water's general direction, just prior to expiring of dehydration. Water: 1; Pepsi: 0.
