There's nothing more thrilling than a finely-crafted movie fight. Filled with flair, passion, and drama, it's something that's only possible when the best Hollywood talent are working at their top abilities. Unfortunately, some movies can't stage a battle with such grandeur, and we end up getting these nine brawls, which look worse than watching two fat drunk guys engaging in a pillowfight.
9-Undefeatable
Let that be a lessen to all you knife-licking scientists out there: if you are having a tough time beating up a lady with a broken arm, the chances are good that when a topless man with two working arms approaches, you may get an eyeful of hook. However, if your peeper does find itself on the wrong end of a hook, as a scientist you can take solace in the fact that you’ll probably end up in heaven (assuming that you’re not working on stem cells), where the lab coats easily rip off and the baby oil flows like rivers.
8-Code of the Dragon
It’s well known that the best and most skilled fighters are usually small Asian women and legless handicapped men, which is why it is such a head-scratcher when a group of hooligans attempts to take them on. But in the documentary Code of the Dragon, the power of these dangerous few is seen firsthand. When you’re a street thug, nothing hurts your street-cred more than getting your ass kicked by someone who isn’t able to kick. And when you’re a snide internet blogger, you have no street-cred, so getting your ass kicked by the handicap doesn’t hurt your rep much (and besides, I was really sick that day).
7-Batman
The most boring fight ever captured on film can be witnessed in this Batman clip where the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder slowly duke it out in front of an aquarium. It should be noted that if you are ever in a fight and the punches and kicks you are landing make the sounds “BLOOP,” “GLURPP,” and “SLOSH,” you are without a doubt going to lose that fight, just as Batman and Robin did in this clip. “Holy wet-suit Batman, I’m a worse fighter than a fat Mike Tyson.”
6-Nine Deaths of a Ninja
You would think than when one commands an army of well-dressed fighting midgets, one would basically control the world. But as this clip demonstrates, sometimes you’re better off employing normal-sized people to be the muscle in your goon squad. Fortunately, that lady who telegraphs her switchblade attacks also utilizes a regularly-sized thug. Unfortunately, he’s apparently unaware of how far humans can fall before they die.
5-Harpies
Arguably the fattest, and unarguably the most talented of all the Baldwins makes an appearance in what some are calling this century’s Citizen Kane (note: no one is calling it that). In Harpies, the national treasure known as Stephen Baldwin takes on a band of winged Amy Winehouses, and, armed only with a massive shotgun and a pistol, is he able to take down these unarmed ladies. Afterwards he mutters what many of you will say after reading this incredible list: “nifty.”
4-Adhisaya Piravi
Don’t be misled by this hero’s poor physique, large poofy hair, or questionable fighting clothes, because if you take this cigarette-smoker lightly, you might find yourself on the wrong end of a flying potato sack. What really saves this from achieving the rank of all-time worst fight is that exciting battle music that plays throughout, ratcheting up the intensity ten-fold (I’m still waiting for the soundtrack to be released in the States, if you’re listening God). In fact, it’s easy to see the Wachowski brothers’ inspiration for the Matrix films when you watch and listen to this masterpiece.
3-Kibakichi 2
The premise for this fight is an anime nerd’s wet dream. Two samurai werewolves battle it out in feudal Japan in an attempt to stop an evil wizard. What makes this battle even more wet dream-like for said nerd is that one of the samurai werewolves is a total werewolf-babe (complete with were-nipples). However, this dream turns into a nightmare when the actual “battle” begins and the viewer attempts to determine whether the opponents are fighting or dancing. Regrettably, slow-motion is utilized, making it painfully clear that they are not fighting.
2-Star Trek
It’s a crapshoot every time you decide to take on one of those sequin-loving lizardmen. Will you be able to dodge his lightning-fast grapple attempts? Will your usual bread-and-butter move, the karate chop to the neck, be effective? Can you withstand the urge to make out with him when he wraps his giant lizard-arms around you? And what if your rock throw gets totally out-done when Geico’s mascot decides to show-off. Ultimately, it’s wise to do what Captain James T. Kirk did, and run.
1-Karate
It has happened to us all at some point: we’re having a fun night of dancing at our local palace when a giant man in a blue bathrobe attacks. And sure, initially you’re intimidated by his massive size, and that strange, red, horizontal line that unexplainably sits in front of him, but after you land his first 10-foot-flip attempt you realize you can take this monster. Sadly, even your eventual victory dance is spoiled by the fact that you look like a young Governor Blagojevich, and no amount of rub-on tanner can change that.
There's nothing more thrilling than a finely-crafted movie fight. Filled with flair, passion, and drama, it's something that's only possible when the best Hollywood talent are working at their top abilities. Unfortunately, some movies can't stage a battle with such grandeur, and we end up getting these nine brawls, which look worse than watching two fat drunk guys engaging in a pillowfight.
