Theme Parks: the greatest summer destination for child and tourist alike. If you can weather long lines, unbearable heat, and annoying screams and accents, then you'll be rewarded with two minutes of near death experiences. Thankfully, these seven fictional theme parks pack in enough excitement (and more than enough potential for death) for us to skip Six Flags this year.
7- Cartmanland
The Premise: When Cartman inherited $1,000,000 he did what any fourth grader would do: he bought his own amusement park. Not just that, he fulfilled every child's dream by allowing only himself into the park, meaning there was absolutely no lines and no crowds of angry tourists yelling at their bratty kids to pose for a damn picture with the guy in the monkey suit.
Why to visit: If you can get in (and good luck with that) Cartmanland is an ideal theme park. Tons of rides without the wait and crowds that makes us all dread theme park visits in the first place.
Why to avoid: When Cartman stopped being able to afford a staff or upkeep the park began to go downhill and cease to function. So as cool as an amusement park with no lines is, the line between that and an abandoned amusement park is pretty thin. Plus Cartman would be there the entire time and, let's face it, one Cartman in a theme park is far more obnoxious than any pack of tourists you'd be stuck behind in a normal theme park's line.
6- Horrorland
The Premise: A horror themed amusement park that features terrifying, seemingly dangerous rides including the aptly named Horror Rapids. Not to mention there's a Guillotine Museum. We could all stand to learn a little more about Guillotine culture in this day and age. The park is run by employees in quite convincing monster costumes.
Why to visit: If you like scares, this is the place to go. Why not drift down the Coffin Cruises or take a ride down the Doom Slide? If water attractions are more your thing you can take a dip in the Alligator Pond and try to tread water while avoiding real alligators.
Why to avoid: Oh my god the monsters are real! Well of course they are, this is from Goosebumps after all. Turns out the park is part of an elaborate reality tv show for a monster channel where they get to watch humans be terrified (and one would assume eventually killed) in the various attractions. And keep in mind this is back before reality tv had hit it big. Monsters were ahead of the curve on that one. Proving that the executives that greenlight shows like Farmer Wants a Wife and A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila might literally be monsters.
5- Delos (aka Westworld)
The Premise: A futuristic theme park divided into three sections: the Old West, Medieval Times, and the Roman Empire. But this isn't just some normal re-enactment park. Instead of out of work actors playing roles the park is manned by sophisticated androids who act as though they're from the specific time periods.
Why to visit: If that description didn't sell you (and come on, it did) this is the added bonus: you can have sex with the androids! And kill them!
Why to avoid: Anyone that watches sci-fi knows that androids are just waiting to malfunction and turn against us, so of course that is exactly what they do. Therefore you could go from enjoying a nice day in a theme park to getting shot at by a cowboy terminator or slashed into ribbons by a malfunctioning Black Knight. Or worst of all, get turned down by one of the prostitute robots! I want my money back!
4- Wally World
The Premise: Billed as "America's Favorite Family Fun Park," Wally World is the perfect place to take your family on Vacation. (Get it?? Vacation!) Basically it's Disneyland with a moose instead of a mouse.
Why to visit: Well...it's basically Disneyland with a moose instead of a mouse. Do you like Disneyland? Then you're gonna like this place too. Plus you might meet a really hot blonde to skinny dip in a hotel pool with on your way there. If it happened to Chevy Chase it could happen to you.
Why to avoid: Whatever you do, don't drive there. Trust me, the plane fare is gonna be worth it. Everything imaginable could go wrong on your way there, ranging from a crushed car to a dead aunt strapped to the top of your rental car. And please, before you head there, make sure they're not closed for renovations. Your dad could go insane like Clark Griswold and force a poor security guard to let you go on rides at gunpoint. Though that would add some excitement to dull rides.
3- Thrill World
The Premise: It's a world of thrills! A whole world of them! What more do you want?
Why to visit: Thrill World is the home to the most kickass, terrifying roller coaster ever invented: the Devastator. Every other roller coaster out there is going to feel like a leisurely drive after you've gone through the excitement that is the Devastator. With speeds up to 200 miles per hour and a 15 foot drop you know it's gonna be a good ride. But it's the final plunge that really sells it: two whole minutes underwater!
Why to avoid: When they describe the ride as "spine-cracking" and "soul shattering" they're not being hyperbolic. It really will crack your spine with a 90 degree turn or shatter your soul when you realize your girlfriend couldn't hold her breath for quite as long as you had hoped. With the death toll constantly climbing, sometimes you should be scared of a rollie coaster.
2- Itchy and Scratchy Land
The Premise: The Itchy and Scratchy cartoons that constantly flashed across the Simpson's tv set are brought to life in an amusement park filled with mirth, mayhem and a fair share of murder.
Why to visit: There's something for the whole family here. There are various hyper violent rides featuring axes, bats, saws and other weaponry for the kids to have fun on. A movie theatre features classic Itchy and Scratchy cartoons, like the familiar, bordering on trademark infringement, Scratchtasia. Plus there's a parent's island for neglectful parents to ditch their kids on and a wonderful parade featuring high tech animatronics.
Why to avoid: Remember that wonderful parade? Turns out it's not that wonderful when the Itchy and Scratchy robots go a little haywire. If this occurs they have been known to go on destructive, murderous rampages in the park, killing tourists indiscriminately (Yes, the writers may have been watching Westworld at the time). Just make sure you pack a camera, the flash will solve all such problems and you can go back to enjoying the simulated graphic violence safely.
1- Jurrasic Park
The Premise: Using blood gathered from preserved mosquitoes, the scientists at Jurassic Park have re-created some of the most breath-taking species from when giant lizards ruled the earth. Of course it's set on a remote island far from civilization for safety reasons. I'm sure nothing could go wrong with that plan.
Why to visit: Ever wanted to visit with creatures from ancient times but get creeped out by old folks' homes? Then Jurassic Park is the place for you. Blend education with excitement as you take a tour around the park and view the various dinosaur species. Also, if you have no interest in dinosaurs but get a kick out of watching a goat get eaten alive, then Jurassic Park may be worth a visit.
Why to avoid: The dinosaurs look cool behind their electric fences, but as soon as the power goes out you're in trouble. Whether it's running from a T-Rex or getting a face full of dilophasaurus gunk spat into your face, the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park have countless unique ways of ending your vacation in a bloody mess. Even worse, it's really overpriced. Finally, there's a chance your adventures will be chronicled in a one-man show.
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