These days people are spending more and more time in their vehicles-some are commuting to work in their eco-friendly 20 MPG SUV's while others are ghost-riding their whips. Regardless of how trucks and cars are used these days, folks are choosing to express themselves via their vehicular decorations. Problem is that most people doing it are only showing off what big losers they are. The following is a list of the most common, most asinine offenders on four wheels.
7- Awful Antenna Adornments
I blame corporate America for this one. What advertising genius (read: asshole) came up with this bright idea? Why would you want a Jack-In-The-Box head stuck to your antenna, advertising to the world your lousy taste in food and burgeoning obesity? Are you that big of a Disneyphile that you must have Mickey Ears announcing your arrival wherever you go? They're all especially great once they've been out in the elements for a few weeks and have started to rot away. Ain't nothing better than a one-eared, pock-marked Mickey Mouse-head. Very classy, indeed
6- Turgid Tires
Trucks are already loud, giant denizens of the road and polluters of the air-if you have to drive one, why would you want to make it any more obnoxious? Unfortunately some people decide they aren't warranting enough attention in their pick-ups so they jack the cabs up on ridiculously ginormous tires, sometimes bigger than the truck itself, requiring any and all who choose to ride in them to utilize step-ladders. My high school parking lot was full of the behemoths. Of course my high school also had assemblies about not leaving dead elk in the back of said pick-ups during hunting season. You gotta love trashy cow-towns and the loutish lumberjacks who populate them.
5- Ridiculous Rims
You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that keep spinnin' after car has come to a complete stop. Or the ones that spin in the OPPOSITE direction. What on earth is the point? You can't see them when they're on your own car. Other people maybe glance at them half-heartedly, roll their eyes and think the driver is an egocentric jackass who blows their cash on crappy pieces of flash that are only going to get stolen in a few weeks anyway. If you're going to put money like that into your car to do something completely superfluous why not go the extra mile and put in hydraulics? Those are at least fun to watch.
4- Stupid Spoilers
Aerodynamics is not something I understand to its' fullest extent, but I know enough about physics to know some cars need spoilers. Formula One, NASCAR, drag racers and other such speedsters use spoilers to help maintain control while driving well over 200 miles per hour. For them spoilers are necessary. For you and your Honda Civic they are not. I don't care how fast you bomb down the interstate, you're not going to need the aid of a spoiler to keep from flying out of control. Even if you did, so many cars automatically come with spoilers these days so you'd be set. You do NOT, however, need to replace the factory model with something 6 times its size. Having a giant half-hoop on the back of your car does not scream, "I'm a bad-ass driver, WATCH OUT!" It merely whimpers, "I'm overcompensating for my physical shortcomings, please pay attention to me!"
3- Whistletips that go WOO!
Damn you, Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis. It's bad enough when someone has their system up so loud you can hear them coming from 3 blocks away. It's even more god-awful when the speakers can't handle all the bass and wind up just making a rattling, static-y noise that barely resembles music. But the worst is when a driver forgoes the music entirely and relies on a shrill, shrieking whistling noise (or "WOO WOO!") to announce his or her presence early every mo'nin. Installed in exhaust pipes, whistlers have made their way into the car accessory scene-much to the chagrin of pets and people everywhere. Sure they make you stand out, but only for being an annoying dick who likes to make ears bleed.
2- Dumb Decals
This could potentially be an entire list in and of itself. The number of completely stupid decals and window stick-ons is staggering and it's nearly impossible not to see at least one of them during your workday commute. There's the classic Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes fame) peeing on something, usually a logo of a rival car maker or athletic team. Then there's small child (also very Calvin-equse) praying before a cross, which is about the tackiest way to serve your faith outside of televangelism. At least if you die getting in a car wreck with someone making use of one of the previously mentioned eyesores, the dying decal-lover will probably receive an "In Memoriam" decal, which probably would mean more to them than some emotionally-delivered eulogy anyway.
1- Tacky Testicles
While the above are all pretty lame to have on your car, the worst offender by far are the fake testicles that people hang either off their trailer hitch or rear-view mirror. Why, for the love of all that is tasteful and holy, would you want a giant pair of balls hanging from your car? Is the idea that you are giving the rest of us a life-sized view of what you've got in your pants? Because I think they've got a cream for that. Or is the intended message that the driver's virulence is so huge it must be conveyed in plastic-junk form? Regardless, having a fake set of family jewels on your car does not make a woman want to sleep with you. Or within 100 yards of you.
