Movies and television have promised us great things from the scientific community. Unfortunately, while they have cured diseases and connected our real world, they've also left us bitterly lacking in these key areas that would surely lead to a more fulfilling (or at least awesome) existence for all of us.
7- Robots and Cyborgs
We may have robotics, but are they really as cool as we all had hoped? With all of our technological advances, we're still a long ways away from hanging out with the Transformers. Hell, I'd take Number 5 from "Short Circuit" at this point. The closest we've come to the epic robot wars we've always imagined has been "Battle Bots," where we got to watch remote controlled robots try to hit each other with hammers or flip each other over with wedges. Not exactly the scenes from "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" that we had in mind. Really, what kind of badass robotic breakthroughs are you going to see on a show that was a commercial break away from the girls jumping on trampolines at the end of "The Man Show?" Cyborgs are even further away. Mostly we just have creepy inventions by the Japanese who want to turn every invention into something we can also have sex with. Then again maybe we've all been duped and a Blade Runner will show up to spill Hillary Clinton's white, milky, cyborg blood at her next stump speech.
6- Cryptozoology
For years and years the prospects of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, La Chupacabra and other mythological creatures have capture our imagination, and it's time that science paid off on this. Scientists should be able to trap a big hairy man who leaves footprints willy-nilly or an animal that can't stop sucking goats. But listen here science: if the problem is that these animals don't actually exist we're not going to accept that as an excuse. We have invested far too much into our Sasquatch specials on the discovery channel and Sci-Fi channel original movies about these types of things for them to be all for naught. If we knew Bigfoot didn't exist, how could we enjoy the heart warming hijinks in "Harry and the Hendersons?" So you better get to genetically engineering at least a gorilla that speaks perfect English or a red eyed Chihuahua with a thirst for goat blood.
5- Contact with Extraterrestrials
There has to be life on other planets out there, but science has not stepped up the game and found a way to talk to these aliens to get them down here for a convo. Just send commercials for Reese's Pieces into space on a continuous loop to lure them in. We know that's the only reason E.T. ever showed up here. But what excuse do we get for why we shouldn't invite the aliens here? They're going to stick probes in our butts. That's it. Sure, occasionally the enslavement of the human race or the complete and utter destruction of our planet are bandied about, but the butt thing is really the grassroots propaganda campaign that's been effective. However, think of all the technology that a life form from light-years away that managed to reach our planet would have. People let things go in their butts for a lot less. And maybe they get cable out there in deep space and saw "K-PAX" or "My Favorite Martian." In that case I'd say we have it coming. Nothing can repair those blows to their dignity.
4- The Hoverboard
Skateboarding may not be a crime, but the fact the hoverboard still doesn't exist most certainly is! We have always dreamt of having our own personal means of transportation to fly around, but ever since we saw Marty McFly mount that hoverboard and take to the streets our hearts have belonged to the hoverboard. The Jetpack? The Flying Car? Forget about it, we want the already dangerous activity of cruising around on a ten inch wide surface combined with anti-gravity jet boosters. Imagine how much more exciting the X-Games will be when the boards are shooting fifty feet off the half pipe.
3- Dinosaurs
Dinosaurs have not roamed our planet for many a million of years, so it really seems like the time has come for them to come back into fashion. For most of human existence we have been reserved to the fact that dinosaurs were dead and gone and that we would never get a chance to pet a brontosaurs or ride a velociraptor. Only a lucky few like Larry King and John McCain had that opportunity back in the good ole' days. But then "Jurassic Park" arrived and things changed entirely. Steve Spielberg gave us a movie that presented a scientific formula for creating dinos so air-tight that we thought they would be in production soon enough for "The Lost World" to be a documentary. "Carnosaur" gave us an even better way of bringing dinosaurs back into the world, convincing us it was possible to mass produce them by mixing them in with some chicken eggs or something. Ok maybe that plan needs some slight modification. But a couple gentic engineers should be able to work those kinks out in an afternoon. Science, in the immortal words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, "Must go faster!"
2- Superheroes
Humans have always desired to be something more. To have champions who are more than just human, who have great power and wield that power with the greatest of responsibilities. Yet, every time we have a nuclear accident or radiation leak we just end up with a sad pile of cancer and birth defects. Where is our Fantastic Four out of all of this? It doesn't count if the closest we can come up with is a fetus that kind of looks like the Thing. I guess for now we will have to just accept that maybe Stan Lee made a few miscalculations in his predictions on what radioactivity would do to the body. Evolution has become the cornerstone of the science vs. faith debate, but I ask you this, science: where is the next step? How long do we have to wait until X-Men start popping up? The only mutants we get are the ones that show up on The Maury Povich Show and they all have the same power: to make me sad.
1- Laser Weapons
Lasers exist in different forms in this day and age and we even use some in our weapons, but not in the way that we all had hoped. Laser guided missiles? That's like chocolate dipped cotton balls. They have taken something completely awesome and merged it with the boring. Missiles are so 20th century. We need lasers that shoot sparks and plumes of smoke when they hit walls. We need lasers that knock out stormtroopers with one hit to the armor. And most of all we need the lightsaber. I know scientists claim that a solid beam of light that can be stopped in mid air is an impossibility that our technology can never hope to conquer. I don't care. You make us a lightsaber, science. Luke Skywalker had to build his own for crying out loud. It can't be that hard. And don't promise us that you'll try. Do or do not. There is no try. I think Spock said that or something.
