Spring is a great season, but like any transitional time (I'm looking at you, puberty), there are always some annoying aspects that you just can't escape. Here's a few reasons Summer can't come soon enough.
6- Spring Break
Anyone who is no longer in school can appreciate the obnoxiousness that is "Spring Break." The majority of the world doesn't care that you get a week off each Spring. The rest of us are still slaving away at our jobs, answering the beck-and-call of the almighty overlord--I mean editor--and we couldn't care less how many margaritas you had made in your mouth in Cancun. MTV is no longer cool and most places worth visiting won't even let those jackasses near their sandy shores. No one is interested in seeing a bunch of shirtless frat monkeys wearing backwards baseball caps chugging Bush Light howl at streaky-blonde teenage slutbags in skimpy bikinis who shake their asses and bare their boobs in the hopes of gaining an iota of self-esteem because their daddies didn't love them enough. The only consolation for the rest of us is how painful it's going to be for those kids to grow-up and get real jobs where Spring Break is merely a memory...assuming they weren't blacked out the entire time.
6- Craptastic Weather
I don't care where in the world you live, the weather doesn't get any crazier than it does in Spring. Tornados, blizzards, blazing heat, thunderstorms--all within the span of like 20 minutes. This weather can only be described as "freaky" and I don't like it. Extremes are for Winter and Summer-we don't need to experience all the extremes at once! Sometimes it's warm and sunny, and then when you come back outside after fixing yourself a nice rum and coke, you find that you're standing in an inch of hail.
4- Skimpy Clothes
Have you ever noticed that when the thermometer finally rises above freezing so many people strip down and lay out on any spare patch of grass they can find? You can't even walk through the park barely in bloom without seeing acres of half-naked and pale bodies stretched out in the watery sun. I know it's hard enough to get dressed in the morning thanks to that craptastic weather mentioned above, but you can be sure short-shorts aren't the answer. Yes we've spent the last couple of months bundled up in itchy wools and heavy boots, and we all get tired of smelling like wet sheep when it rains. But this is no reason to shed all those layers and expose acres of pasty, dry skin to all and sundry. Please, for the love of all that is beautiful and good in the world, PLEASE leave those summer clothes in hibernation for just a little while longer, or at least until you can properly moisturize and work off the flab you acquired spending December through February indoors and sedentary.
3- Allergies
The flowers are blooming, lawnmowers are humming and millions of people are sneezing their faces off all around the Northern Hemisphere. Freshly washed cars, only recently covered in snow or mud, are now covered in a hazy yellow blanket courtesy of Mother Nature. The culprit, of course, is pollen, and it's EVERYWHERE. Of course those flowers are pretty, and it's lovely to see the bees buzzing about in their own merry way, but to anyone who has allergies spring is a time of misery and excess mucus. It must be a record time for the tissue industry, and every other commercial on TV seems to be for some new pharmaceutical snake-oil promising to ease all your allergy symptoms though no drug yet seems to actually work. Even if you are one of the lucky few who manage to get by without all the allergy hassle, there's still no escaping the coughing, sniffling, snarfling and general whining that is so prevalent this time of year. It's enough to make anyone want to close the window and shut out nature and her reproductive powder.
2- Pastels
Winter is a time for dark colors accented with reds, greens and golds. Summer is all about the most vibrant and airy of colors. Even fall is resplendent in jewel-tones with splashes of warm orange and browns. Then there's Spring. Oh sad, faded Spring. From clothes to candy, you can't walk around without being visually pummled by a powder blue or dusty pink. Mint greens and butter yellows assail you as you wander through department stores. Every March the Easter Bunny stops by to projectile-vomit all over supermarkets everywhere. Who's idea was it to make this the season of sugary-sweet colors that look like they've been left out in the sun for too long? Pastels make my teeth rot just looking at them.
1- Bunny Couples
It's no surprise bunnies are a symbol of Spring--afterall Spring is the time of year when reproduction is at its highest. But just because animals everywhere are "doin' it" in full view doesn't mean we humans have to. Single folk manage to resist slapping love-birds in their kissy faces so it seems like that restraint could be reciprocated . Overt public displays of affection aren't cute, they're major gross-outs, and they certainly aren't necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. Any established couple will tell you that groping in public is for insecure amateurs who probably haven't gotten any all winter. So keep your wangs in your pants, or at least take your x-rated actions behind the bushes and give the bums who can't afford actual porn a free show. That way everybody wins.
