Oh, what you could do with your parents' permission as a child. With a phone and a ton of money to burn, a child of the 1980's had so many 1-900 numbers at his or her disposal. While just about all of them were cash-vacuums, the following seven break the bank in terms of stupidity.
7- Freddy Kreuger Hotline
Yes, someone thought it would be a good idea for this horror icon to have a hotline. Sure, Freddy could spout out some sweet puns when he was plunging his steak-knife fingers into a random coed's chest, but were people that desperate to be scared in the 80's? The only thing scary about this hotline, which probably consisted of a ghost story being slowly read by Robert Englund (or even worse, a shoddy impersonator,) were the charges that stupid kids piled up. Of course, the ad has the requisite "Ask for your parents' permission" disclaimer, but who would listen to a mass murderer like Freddy Kreuger?
6- Mc Hammerline
Hammer's hotline has to be the stupidest thing he's everbeen associated with... even worse than The Addams Family Rap and Hammerman combined. The hotline promises "A joke or a couple of rhymes," neither of which sound appealing. Hammer isn't exactly an icon of (intentional) comedy, and judging by what made his albums, we'd shudder to hear what he came up with for a telephone recording.
5- Call Paula
The same company that foisted Mc Hammer's hotline on the world also provided this affront to phones everywhere. Unlike Hammer's, which promises you everything you didn't want from the rap star, Paula Abdul's number is fraught with mystery. What do you get when you call? She has "news you can use?!" The announcer promises "You and Paula together," which is equally confusing. Thankfully, folks who attempted to figure it all out probably had to call more than once, nabbing themselves an autographed picture. Sweet deal!
4- The Al Lewis Line
If there's one thing kids in the 1980's loved, it was geriatric sitcom stars of the 1960's. Calling Al "Granpo" Lewis was apparently the only way to gain entry to the Jr. Vampires club. Apparently, sucking the blood of innocent civilians isn't the way. Rather, hearing this old fart tell rambing, incoherent horror stories and "vampire secrets" was the way in. Here's a free "vampire secret" for the curious. VAMPIRES DON'T FUCKING EXIST. Unfortunately, with Lewis' passing, we're guessing the Jr. Vampires club has also met its demise.
3- He-Man's Amazing Telephone Adventures
Yes kids, you too can talk to a cartoon character. Learn all about his made-up animated adventures! Find out how to get an action figure (but note that it may not be one of the pictured few... we're guessing this was a way to offload surplus Fisto figures)! And probably battle Skeletor on the way. Probably?! For two bucks a minute, you better get his goddamn head on a spike. And we're talking about the real-life Skeletor who fought Dolph Lundgren.
2- New Kids on the Block Wicked Hawtline
Imagine the glee in a young girl's heart as she called this number after hearing "Girl, You're the Girl I Want to Be My Girl" on MTV. Would she hear a previously-recorded message from future television star Donnie Wahlberg? Some sweet talk from Jonathan Knight? Joey McIntire gabbing about girls on his gigantic cell phone? Or Jordan Knight talking about what he likes to do on a Saturday night? Odds are, she probably got to talk live to Danny Wood, the ugly one. What a letdown.
1- Talk to Rapping Santa
Forgive us for the subpar video quality. All you really need to do is hear the sweet rhymes laid down by Saint Nick, and you'll understand the insanity of this hotline. Who called this, really? We're guessing it catered to the niche market of kids who procrastinated about sending out their lists, but would rather hear Santa drop a mean beat than sit on some old dude's lap in the mall. Actually, come to think of it, this isn't that bad an idea. And if some dude can freestyle a rap around how awesome it would be to get Super Mario Bros. 3 in your stocking, it would be well worth the two bucks for the first minute, and 45 cents each additional minute. Oh, snap! He just rhymed Toadstool with old-school!
