How many times when eating a bowl of cereal have you thought to yourself, "Am I eating this bowl of sugar and milk because I actually think it tastes good? Or am I just afraid of what will happen to me if I don't?" It's been rumored that years ago, in an ingenious but dastardly move, the cereal producers of America came together and made a decision that rendered their patrons helpless. By creating cereal mascots that were so tough and depraved, they made the consumers believe their wellbeing was in danger if they didn't purchase and consume nearly every brand of breakfast cereal on the market. While that may sound a bit farfetched, there is no denying that if you ever came across any of these seven hardened cereal mascots in a dark alley, you would probably mess yourself and then be beaten to death.
7-Tony the Tiger from Frosted Flakes
If the world's most dangerous jungle cat walks up to you (on two feet, mind you) threatening that after he's done with you, your face isn't gonna look so grrrrreat, it would be wise to either run, or check yourself into a rehab center. If you don't, you can be assured that pain is about to follow. Tony the Tiger is an unnatural combination of ripped, athletic man and killer, animal assassin, easily making him one of the deadliest cereal mascots around. And while some might state that his red bandanna says he's a limp-pawed pussy, I would have to point out that this killing machine has no paws, only human hands outfitted with deadly cat-claws, which are capable of tearing off the face of anyone dumb enough to claim he's not all tiger-man. So mind what you say around this beast (he does understand and speak English fluently), and maybe you'll walk away with your life.
6-Lucky the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms
Why should you be afraid of a little Leprechaun? If you don't know, you apparently haven't seen the Leprechaun movies, starring a young Warwick Davis (of Willow and Star Wars fame). As these movies detail, these butchers will do anything to get their hands on some gold, or in this case, a delicious breakfast cereal fortified with 12 vitamins and minerals that's aimed at kids. It's also well-documented that the Irish (the Leprechaun's nationality) have one hell of a temper, and you'll believe it when you see these wee little killers go to town on your kneecaps like they're punching bags. As if that weren't enough, these tiny executioners are also capable of casting a wide variety of dangerous incantations, which they'll surely use when trying to get either the whole grain shapes and marshmallow clusters that they crave, or your severed head. Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically malignant.
5-Cap'n Crunch from Cap'n Crunch
If you want to start something with the Cap'n you better be prepared to take on the entire Crunch Fleet, because this sailor doesn't roll alone. And the Cap'n certainly isn't a stranger to fighting either, since he's had to repeatedly fend off the evil Soggies since the early 1980s. However, if you do have the Crunch Berries to take on this dedicated seaman, you should know that the Cap'n is one of the most decorated cargo transporters this side of the Soggy Sea, and he'll die before he lets his freight fall into the wrong hands. I've also heard he made someone walk the plank simply for proclaiming that his Christmas Crunch was one of the most shameless cereal promotions ever, and that it tasted exactly like his Crunch Berry cereal. I tend to agree with the plank-walker (but don't tell the Cap'n).
4-Sugar Bear from Super Golden Crisp
So you thought a sentient walking and talking tiger was as bad as it got? Well then let me introduce you to Sugar Bear, a bear who is capable of walking and talking just like Tony. But unlike that ferocious jungle cat, this bloodthirsty bear will often advocate violence outright in his cereal commercials. Whenever other forest creatures attempt to eat some of his Super Golden Crisp, he breaks into a Bing Crosby impression and sings his cereal's jingle, which includes the violent line, "It's got the crunch with punch!" He then proceeds to throttle his hungry, fellow forest creatures. And do you think this destructive temper ends in the animal kingdom? Oh no, this bear will beat anyone and anything that even glances at his mediocre cereal, making sure those sweet, crispy wheat puffs remain his.
3-Count Chocula from Count Chocula
What's worse than a vampire? How about a vampire that has such a deadly chocolate addiction he's willing to do anything to get his pointy-fingered hands on some, and that includes killing. Yes, I'm talking about Count Chocula, that chocolate-loving vampire who not only possesses all of the usual, deadly vampire traits, such as bat-transformation and blood sucking, but, as a clear sign of his mental instability, has also combined these traits with his unholy love of the cocoa plant. This means he's capable of turning himself into a chocolate bat, which makes him initially seem appealing (like a chocolate bunny on Easter). But when you try to eat what appears to be a delicious chocolate treat, the trap is tripped and the Count returns to his vampire form, quickly draining your blood and then ransacking your chocolate supply. You've just fallen for the oldest chocolate-vampire-to-delicious-bat transformation trick in the book, and as a result you're chocolate-less and dead.
2-Snap, Crackle, and Pop from Rice Krispies
As if fighting just Snap wasn't hard enough, imagine taking on Crackle and Pop as well. It's been said that this terrible trio derive their names from the sound your bones make as they bash in your face. But if you still think you've got a shot against this gang of gnomes, I invite you to take a look at the last guy stupid enough to test his luck. What? You can't see him? That's because what's left of him is in that small bowl in front you, which you've covered in milk and are now eating for breakfast. That's right, after Snap, Crackle, and Pop get done beating their victims, they process the remains and create that well-known "taste that tickles." It's been rumored that if you listen closely to the cereal, you can still hear the victims' bones breaking.
1-Crazy-Craving from Honeycomb
The Crazy-Craving is truly the most terrifying cereal mascot ever created, simply because I have no clue what he is, and therefore cannot be certain what he is capable of. On several occasions this demonic ball of hair has transformed children, completely taking over their faculties and often forcing them to consume that horribly plain cereal. Can you imagine what else the "Craving" could accomplish if he shape-shifted into someone more powerful, like William Shatner or Snoop Dogg? We'd all be doomed. This vile creature has also been known to defy gravity, bouncing around a room like a rubber ball. These inhuman abilities could only be accomplished through witchcraft or the work of the devil. And if you think that he's at his "Craziest" when trying to get his four fingers on Honey-Comb, you should see how insane he gets when he wants to spill your blood. This creature may be the Anti-Christ.
