We live in a capitalist society where we're presented with a multitude of options, no matter what our hearts desire. Sometimes that's a bad thing, as we've got a dearth of unnecessary shit in our lives. Here's the seven things that we could use a little less of in the world.
7- Non-alcoholic beers
Nobody buys beer for the taste. They buy it because it's the standard bearer for getting shitfaced. Almost every functioning alcoholic slowly developed a taste for beer, and the OMGList staff is no exception. That's why we're puzzled by the proliferation of non-alcoholic beers. As in, why is there more than one brand? There's only two reasons to purchase non-alcoholic beers. The first, and more unlikely reason is if you truly crave the taste of beer but can't indulge for some reason (What else can a busdriver drink on a hot summer day?). The second reason is to completely ruin a kegger, Freaks and Geeks style. Neither reason requires a diversity in selection. In fact, the only byproduct of the wide variety of non-alcoholic beers is that members of the normal beer-drinking populace are more likely to pick up a six-pack of these affronts to alcohol, especially while under the influence, when one's ability to take in printed information is at a low.
6- Mysterious New Diseases That Could Kills Us All (But Probably Won't)
West Nile, Mad Cow, avian bird flu, the T-virus: man, it's getting to the point where you can't even leave the house these days without fear of contracting some super disease that's going to turn your internal organs to jelly. The odd thing is, for all the hub bub the evening news makes about these potentially deadly diseases, they never seem to gain any traction.
Look, we know the world is going to end in a fiery tornado of pain and suffering; can't you leave us alone to enjoy our Xbox 360's and iPods until then? Do you have to keep rubbing the whole "super bacteriaz wil eat yer spinez!!!" thing in our faces all the time?
5- Candid Celebrity Crotch Shots
The only time we want to see celebrities is when they've had an opportunity to visit their makeup, hair and wardrobe people. The rest of the time, we prefer to leave them alone, not only because they deserve to have private lives but because they don't always look their best. The same can be said for their crotches. Catching a candid glimpse of a celebrity's crotch is like getting kicked in the nuts: sure, you've always wondered what it would be like but once it happens, you immediately regret it.
Seriously, did you see the ones of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears? Yikes. It was like seeing a previously undiscovered species of deep sea invertebrate for the first time. What we're dealing with here is the simple quandary that only Hollywood's skankiest go commando while wearing short skirts, while, say Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson keep their undoubtedly beautiful nether regions extremely well-hidden. Look, if you're a young, hot, famous slut and you just have a hankering to show your private parts to the world, do everyone, including yourself, a favor and call Larry Flynt so he can present your naughty bits in the best light possible. Otherwise, put on some damn underwear.
4- Dating Reality Shows
While the case could be made for exorcising all reality shows, the ones that deal with dating are the bottom of an already nasty barrel. Every single one plays out the same way--vapid, moronic folks, most of whom are only present to appear on TV, pretend to forge relationships under extremely stupid circumstances. Without fail, as soon as the cameras stop rolling, any pretense of these couples staying together is dropped. Why? Here's a better question--why do we give a fuck? If "The Bachelor" wanted true love, he'd keep off ABC and ask that cute supermarket check-out girl out. And the "celebrity" dating shows are even worse--do you think Flava Flav or Bret Michaels will actually find the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with this time around? Not with the possibility of another season and another big fat paycheck.
3- Your Bullshit
Seriously, dude, stop. You're starting to piss us off.
2- Goldfish
You may not realize it, but there is a massive surplus of Goldfish on this planet. They're inedible (outside of cheese cracker form) and as they're the absolute worst pet available in any given pet store. Still, you can be guaranteed that any pet-selling establishment will have hundreds of them available. If there aren't any in your neighborhood, just wait for a carnival to come to town, and you can win a plastic bag full of the shittiest fish on the planet. Regardless of how you procure them, you can be sure that they'll be belly up within a week and somehow, the species will continue to thrive.
1- Social Networking Sites
Look, we know that online social networking sites are totally hip and cool but seriously, this whole thing is getting out of hand. You can't turn around on the Internet without getting hit in the face by another new upstart site these days. We can barely keep up with the online profiles we already have-we don't have the energy to juggle another 15! And besides which, most of these sites are either derivative of the whole MyBook/FaceSpace formula or they address a niche population that we just don't belong to. Also, the whole social networking thing leaves us feeling empty and hollow inside because it's a rather poor replacement for actual inter-personal communication. That still doesn't excuse the fact that you haven't yet accepted our friend request yet, though. Seriously, add us. We saw you were online all day yesterday, so get on it.
OMGList editor Dave Rudden contributed to this list.
